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CHILDREN & SELF ESTEEM
The development of a child’s self esteem believe it or not is as important as the child learning to read,
write, making friends, etc. In fact if a child does not have a good self image they often don’t have confidence
and motivation to meet their potential mentally, physically, or socially.
What is self esteem anyway? Self esteem basically is a picture we have of ourselves. A child is not born with this
picture or image, it is learned. They learn about themselves and their worth through the accumulated impressions
they receive from others. The actions and reactions of people to them are like a mirror- reflecting important information
about one self. Some of these impressions naturally will have greater impact on their self esteem than others.
Self esteem begins to develop at a young age, during the first 5 to 7 years of their life. The experiences and
feedback a child gets from people, mainly parents and teachers, is very important and can leave lasting impressions.
For example, if a child is constantly being put down by a parent for not meeting expectations, over time the child
will begin to feel like a failure and develop the image of a failure. Their thinking will reflect this by the way
they talk to themselves with negative self talk “I can’t do anything right”. They then take on the role of a failure
because they have learned they are a failure, so now they see and believe they are a failure, so that is the way
they act. The child has now become their own worst enemy.
The number of children with low self esteem is quite alarming. In a study done by the Universities of North Carolina
and Alabama, they found that 80% of the children entering 1st grade had a high self esteem. By the time they reach
5th grade only 20% of the kids felt good about themselves, and when they leave high school only 5% had a positive
self image. Since self esteem is learned, it can be changed in either a positive or negative direction as seen
by this study. We must continue to be aware of how the child is viewing him/her self and the world around them
as they are growing up.
What can I do to help my child’s self-esteem?? Always find a way to praise your child. For instance you ask you
child to clean his or her room. When you check it and and believe that the child has put forth honest effort, but
has not
cleaned the whole room, but maybe they cleaned half of it or a quarter of it. Reinforce what part they did clean
and how this makes you happy and that you would appreciate their cooperation in completing the whole task. I often
watch kids playing organized baseball. I will give you a good example of looking for what they do right. A child
fields a ground ball, he throws the ball over the First baseman’s head and the batter is safe. We as adults tend
to focus our reactions and comments on the fact that the player overthrew the ball, reinforcing the child’s belief
that he can’t play baseball. However, we may have given little if any attention or positive strokes for the fact
that the child did pick up the ground ball. By looking at the whole situation and not just one part of it, allows
you to find what they did right. Looking for what they do right no matter how minor it might seem is of big importance
to the child’s confidence level and motivation to keep trying.
A second key step is to separate the child from their behavior. When you are upset or disappointed in their behavior,
reinforce to them the fact that you are not angry at them as a person, but you are upset at their behavior. For
example saying “ I love and care about you as my son/daughter, I just don’t like it when you tease your sister”,
is one way of letting the child know that you care about them as a person; it’s just the behavior you don’t like.
This is especially important for younger children.
Reinforce to them that just because they make a mistake, or have a bad day or someone hurts their feelings doesn’t
mean they’re a bad person or a failure. Remind them they are special and not to give up on themselves.
Also be aware of your own self talk around your children, and the image you project to them about you. They are
always using adults, especially, parents as role models. As adults we must also take care of our own self image
and worth.
Give your child praise often, especially younger children. Phases like “Great Job”, “Wonderful”, “Wow”, “Way to
go”, “Good effort”, etc., go a long way in keeping their self image positive. Don’t forget the nonverbal reinforcements,
like, a pat on the back, high five’s, smiles and hugs!!
Lastly, studies have underlined the importance of “challenge” in building a child’s self esteem. By offering your
child a series of challenges, their sense of accomplishment becomes enhanced. For young children external support
is needed like the
One of the most important steps is to look for what they do right, not so much what they do wrong. When they are
doing tasks at home, school or play, look for what they are doing right. They might not phases above. For children
of 8 years and above what’s important is mastery. It’s more powerful for older children to feel they can hit a
home run or ride that two- wheeler than to just have the compliments alone.
A child’s self- esteem is a foundation to a healthy physical, social and emotional lifestyle that is with them
for a lifetime.
David is a Certified Therapeutic Recreation Specialist. He has been in the human service field for many years.
He conducts workshops on self esteem, stress management, humor and team building for schools, business, and community
organizations.
For more information please call [815] 234-2428 by David Schroeder
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